Bitch got Slapped I know I’m a bit behind on this, but with the Tweet generation on our hands it’s hard to keep up (look up “lopes 3 sets of 25 on pull ups so far @ gym Twitter”). Then it became this thought process of me not wanting the site to be a hate site on Lopes. After that I thought the whole thing was just too easy to rip on. And then I said, “Fuck it all.” So, Lopes went from Point 2, “Lazer” helmets (in the shit-written press release) says that they are the oldest helmet manufacturer in the world; been in business for over 90 years. I’ve not been alive for 90 years, and even if I had I would still not be paying attention to Lazer helmets. But just based on the name…how the fuck is that possible? As we all know, the term LASER (it was originally all capitalized, but now is not) is an acronym for “Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.” We also all have access to Wikipedia, so it’s clear I’m not a Rhodes Scholar. The term “Laser” came out in 1959-ish. Lazer helmets started in 1919. I could do more research on the etymology of the term but I’m lazy and that company is now full of shit, so I’ll go look for hot chicks. Oh, here’s one: 
Another one, Brian. Another one?
Here's Brian Lopes. You, uh...you might know him from some past World Championships because he's a really good rider, but I prefer you know him from some previous posts that were made on this website. We're all about education 'round here.
If I could make this shit up I would, but in the enchanting world of Brian Lopes, I don't have to. It fuc-to the K-ing writes itself.
Here he is, spotted up in some location, apparently having a guy look at his bike. The keen eye will note that location as Shimano USA in Irvine, CA. The eye that I'm lookin' for though...is your eye. And that's the eye that's looking at his lowered Storm Trooper'd out BMW in the background. Great, he can afford a BMW and make a bunch of mods to it, I don't even fuckin care about that. Good for him.
What is of note is that he's taking up three fucking parking spaces in front of Shimano HQ that don't even exist. You can't even park there, not one car even if done properly, and he's taking up 3 spaces. It's unheard of. He might as well be making a new universe for himself. He's like Tolkien. What...does he just lock himself in his room for days and figure out how to piss more people off? I swear to God by year's end he'll have come up with his own language, and if others don't speak it...well, he'll sue them.
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OK, OK, shit's coming to a head. Some are trying to find out who’s doing this site and shut it down. Most of them are doing it on a public front, while secretly liking what is going on here. It's gotten to the point that Brian Lopes alledgedly wants to sue all involved with this thing, which is why we made and distributed the above T-shirts at Interbike. They were sent anonymously in brown paper bags to those on the “whodunnit” list. "Guerilla marketing," I believe they call it, and it pisses off Lopes and has a “Project Mayhem” flair to it in the process. Rumor is that upon seeing his friend Mark Weir (who seems to be a fan of the site and can take a joke) wearing the above shirt (it has our website address on the back), Lopes was on the phone with his lawyer in minutes, yelling words such as “slander!” though in this case "libel" is the correct term, since these words are printed. It is a common mistake, Brian.
"On what grounds is he looking to sue?" you may ask. By all reports it stems from the original post where I mention an article he wrote that talks about hitting his wife. He’s all up in arms about that statement. Well, here is the entire article that ran in the June 2005 issue of decline magazine in the
First off, I want to say thanks for reading my new column in decline. I’ve never claimed to be a writer, but hopefully I can throw some interesting info out there for you to enjoy, or at least get you a laugh.
decline’s Scott Hart came up with the name “Challenger” which he says fits my personality perfect. For those who know me, they understand completely. For those of you who don’t know me, you’ll soon understand the title of this monthly column.
No disrespect to the Special Olympics, but I like to challenge people to all sorts of little competitions which I refer to as Special Olympics. Back in the day when Shaun Palmer & Randy Lawrence were racing mountain bikes there were always competitions between those two,
I decide I have to go for the backflip and show Randy I have anything he’s got. I crouch down, explode, and throw my arms up and back and land on my feet. It was pretty scary, but in the heat of competition I had to go for it. The competitive side of me is not always such a good thing and as I get older, I am trying to learn when to say “no” to competition.
About five years ago my wife was running with her friends a few times per week. We all went to dinner the night before they were to race a 10K and I was talking smack, telling them I could smoke them all, even though I haven’t run in years, let alone ever run ten kilometers. I did the race the next morning and beat them all, but paid for it for three days after. My legs were ruined and I could barely walk up or down the stairs in our house.
Another situation, around the same time, my wife was going to kick boxing class a few times per week and she would come home messing around punching on me. I told her I was going to come to her class, we were going to put some headgear on and I was going to knock her out. At that point, I figured she thought she would kick my ass or didn’t actually think I would punch her. I showed up one night, we put the headgear on and BLAM, I punched her in the head! She got pissed and couldn’t believe I actually hit her. But like I said, I take competition seriously.
My competitive nature isn’t so positive sometimes. I love any challenge and get my mind set on achieving one thing, and that is to win. I block everything else out and don’t care whom the challenge is against, I just want to win. Needless to say, I’ve learned a little as I’ve grown older and try not to challenge my wife, or any elderly people (unless, of course they ask for it). Hence the name of my new column, “Challenger!”
[visual: host jubilently wipes hands clean of this incident] Now then, that behind us, it should be said that the last thing we want is to be sued by someone who has milked far more money out of this industry than we have, so how about we just drop the litigation talk and have a bit of fun with this before we have a Streisand Effect on our hands. Hell, we hear even HB seems to like the site, saying it just adds to his empire and that we don't even talk that much about him (true). Atta boy HB. Way to have a good outlook on life and a sense of humor.
More non-Lopes Interbike updates coming soon!
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Holy fuckin fish in a barrel
The above shots are just in, submitted from a fan at On Dirt Demo. Can you make it any easier for us, Brian? White glasses, no shirt, and your van sticks way out into the alleyway. More to come.
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What is your deal, dude?
Brian, seriously, do you have a problem you need to tell us about? This image is just in from OZ.
You may be able to show up to Worlds and get 18th on a short travel bike, but you can’t park a van for shit. The other option is that maybe you just have blatant disregard for any other human being. Face it, you're going to have to own up to one or the other.
Every day with you; it's just getting more and more comical.
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Stikman, it was comin, and you were askin
Stik, you mangy son of a bitch. You, sir, have been talking out both sides of your lying mouth. I’ve never had a personal issue with you before; always had positive experiences at the races, and I liked your site. So the rule there was: no talking shit. But now, well…let’s document it.
- You wrote in saying you loved the site, despite the fact that you and Leigh are lifelong friends with Brian.
- “I love Brian, he has been a class act family friend to us for ages, we just do a lot of ‘oh thats just Brian.’" One says something like that when talking about someone who is dickish.
- “my mate Rob Warner told me it was all the talk in
- You sent me this link because you are fishing and think I’m this guy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFHqvCuoQys
- You posted crap on twitter trying to find out who is behind this. If you love the site, why care about that?
- “We” hear from various sources that you’re (obviously) still being a Lopes-whore, and Lopes is pissed that we post any negative opinions about him, and wants to sue. That’s all dandy, just be upfront and we wouldn't have to call you out.
- One of your fan submissions:
Love the site and the dripping wet sarcasm. People are so up in arms over it. I’m writing to let you know you accomplished something grand. You made Stikman whine on Facebook about and try his best to find out who you are/might be. I joked with him that he was starting a witch hunt for his best friend Lopes. His response was to call me stupid and an idiot. He didn’t like it when I told him he was just hanging onto his famous wife’s coat tails and to go back to his homemaker duties.
I wanted to throw my hat in the ring and suggest a dig at Stikman, the worlds tallest parasite and wanna be paparazzi. Or heck, research me and take a dig or two at me.
If Brian can't take a ribbing in stride, fuck off. That is my opinion. If he worried about what other people's opinions were of him years ago, he wouldn’t have been such a dickhead. Stop trying to flush us out. It's not about you.
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Ha, ha ha, you suck Lopes
Some of you may ask, “why does Brian Lopes have the reputation of being such a hairy asshole?” Exhibit D.
I was in Downieville over the weekend and just had to send in this image. In case you didn’t notice from his name and number plastered all over his van (as well as sketches of skulls. nice work), it belongs to BL. For those who don’t know, Downieville is a really small town with approx 60 available parking spots in total. And “The Classic” brings in a lot of people. Have a nice hard look and please tell me exactly why this fuckhead was double- parked the entire weekend. The van's not that big. I think I know why, he's Brian Lopes.
UPDATE: We asked Brian Lopes how he sleeps at night and he said, “On a doll shaped like a boy made of silicone!” True story. Sick fucker loves exclamation points. (note: we stole that joke from someone smarter than us and adapted it to fit BL, but it just works so well)
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My friend put it to me straight, "Never has one so talented done so little for the sport of mountain biking." One thing that is tough to understand, however, is how he is buddies with stand up guys like Peaty and Weir?? The images below are the tip of an iceberg of douche. Just in case Brian doesn't get it, we'll spell it out for him: you need to be a good person to get respect here.
Before you go saying we're being too hard on the guy, did you read his articles in Decline? He didn't do much to help his cause did he? Hey Brian, I really like the article about you punching your wife because you're so competitive. Pure class.
PS. Put a fucking shirt on. You ever see any other, repeat: any other professional mountain bikers sitting around with their shirt off? You could wear an Ibis or Kenda T-shirt and rep your sponsors...or maybe you're content with having your name on every fucking component on your bike. Oh, and those El Moco tires of yours, well done. Kenda makes good tires, but I'd stick my dick in a beehive before riding your piece of shit "55" logo'd jobbies again. Ahhhh this is too much...fuck you.
