Interviewer: Sir...do you ride mountain bikes? Answer: No, I'm Michael Jackson's father. Interviewer: Fuck it, cut to the chase dickhead, do you stand or wipe first? Calculate your words and I can get you a Kona sponsorship.
From a reader:
Dear HBcutthecourse,
Am I the only one to have noticed the alarming increase in the number of inane rider interviews these days? Back in the day I hadn’t even heard any pro mtber speak, now not only could I relay you all their dull opinions about all the WC courses, but I could probably name you their favourite bog roll brand. All race footage is interrupted every 5 seconds with a closeup of someone in sunglasses telling me how they’re trying to get a solid run together. All freeride footage is punctuated by halfwits who have spent far more time on a bike than in school explaining how they’re superstoked to be riding a particular trail. Oh to be back watching NWD 1 in all its roof-dropping, whiplashing simplicity. Nobody cared whether Bender had had a good night’s sleep before he jumped off that cliff.
But anyway, back on topic. On some level I can understand it, sponsors want us to get to know their riders’ personalities, however little they have to say, and the more obsessive fans may want this extensive insight into their lives. It’s when this emphasis on personality took over the amateur scene that I took objection. It then progressed from the amateur scene to the unknown scene. But it hasn’t even stopped there, we now seem to need to know about the lives’ of people of which there is no evidence can even ride bikes.
My first main gripe was this article, one of a series in Pinkbike’s “Sixty Seconds with…”. http://www.pinkbike.com/news/sixty-seconds-becky-hilton-2010.html
Lets have a look at the facts. She started riding last year, shes got no real sponsors, her best result was 8th at an student comp where she finished in a staggeringly quick time of more than twice that of the men’s winner, and over a minute slower than the women’s winner (on a two minute course). Yet despite this less than outstanding record, Pinkbike feel compelled to give us a host of boring off-topic Q&As, including staggering revelation that the worst thing she ever did growing up was smoking cigarettes. But hey, she’s female, and that’s enough for the majority of Pinkbike readers; 14-year old sexually-frustrated boys who are too into swapping their “dj bike wiv bombers” than meeting any real life girls.
Anyway at this point I was still too apathetic to bother writing anything. It was this gem that popped up today that tipped the balance. Again, another Sixty Second “Interview”, http://www.pinkbike.com/news/sixty-seconds-andrew-dodd-2010.html but this time of a male rider who hasn’t even got as far as a race. This character bought his first DH bike in 2009 (the World Cup Winning Bigshit) and has in his list of thanks his parents for buying him riding shorts. Oh but never mind that he’s been riding 6 months and entered zero races, as long as we know that his favourite crisps are smokey bacon and the last person he texted was his girlfriend. The comments on the article are what raised my initial question, as instead of a collective “who the fuck cares” we get a load of people claiming he’s the next best thing and we should sponsor him immediately; first comment “Sponser this kid! He is the future of everything 2 wheels, trust me.”
Yeah I know I should just try to avoid all this instead of getting myself worked up, but this crap is getting everywhere, dvds, forums, magazines. I swear that in a couple of years there won’t even be any footage or photos of people on bikes. Entire videos will just be sunglasses, mountain backdrops and monotonous drawls, and “journalists” will just grab the first person off the street and give them a detailed grilling over whether they stand up or wipe first.
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This image is courtesy of www.latfh.com go have a look at their site.
From a reader. It is as simple as it gets.
Subject: Brent Foes has lost his mind.
Body: Here's proof: http://www.foesracing.com/#/streetrods
Indeed, he has, and at the same time maybe he hasn’t. Brent’s been on the very tip of the queen’s needle of full suspension innovation for nearly 20 years now. And he’s done so all the while being armed to the teeth with a crude machine shop and a vague understanding of mountain bike suspension outside of what people in the motorcycle industry know. Now, hear me out here, people in the motorcycle industry know a lot, and people in the bike industry know a lot. They don’t always overlap, but Brent’s a tinkerer and has carved a niche for himself. In these tough times, I say get down to business and make money where you can. If you see a bunch of stupid fixie hipsters that don’t understand it doesn’t matter how narrow your handlebars are when your pedals are at a distance wider than that…you see them, and they want to hand you money for something you can manufacture easily in your shop. It’s a stupid fad and we all know it, but I’m with Brent on this one: fuck integrity, make some money on those idiots and call it your retirement fund.
More interesting, though, is the memory of Brent having this ethereal power over Missy Giove. Now, it wasn’t as if he could talk her into heterosexuality or out of doing or trafficking illegal drugs (zing!), but he would always convince her that she was going faster because of his bike. This while no one else was going fast on his bike. She went on to ride other bikes, but still believed the BS he told her about his, and then she would go to her new sponsors and explain to them why Brent’s bike was faster. The balls on Missy to do that are eclipsed only by Brent’s mindfuck, but then again she spent most of her career concussed or in a blackout lesbian rage because Elke Brusart wasn’t that into her anymore. So maybe it’s not that big of a deal. Interesting observation: he seems to have the same power over the US publication Mountain Bike Action.
This is by far the coolest picture of MBA's Jimmy Mac I could find, and readers should note at first glance that he is standing next to "Jumpin' Jerry Vanderpool." Then they should note the terrible shoes, the jeans that are roughly 17 tones too light, the contrived motorcycle tee, the fake beard, the ray ban sunglasses, the clear prescription glasses hanging on the shirt below them, the overly enthusiastic expression, and the Nike baseball cap that was probably purchased from Eddie Bauer.
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The rage started with this 29” article
http://www.bicycleretailer.com/news/newsDetail/3172.html
I went off, but it was internal. I reined it in like Michael Jackson on that some-bitch. It hurt deep down, but I wasn’t going to let the public see my pain. This little light of mine, I was determined to let it shine…despite the fact that an entire fucking mainstream bicycle brand can’t manufacture a single bike that is relevant in three major European countries. Granted, their markets are kooKoo for the
Then we went to Interbike and everyone and their dog has a 29-er now. Fine and dandy, times are tough and everyone is looking
to increase sales. Here’s the big question, though: isn’t this thing being heralded as” the future” just because it is a growth segment right now? Take a step back and look at it with fresh eyes. Who does it work for? Big dudes, people who don’t want to endo, newbies, and people who don’t have very good handling skills.
Don’t take offense, just be honest. Think of the best bike handler that you know/ride with. Is he on 29” wheels? Fuckin Christ-allmighty no. No pros are on them, and anyone not living in the Midwest, is under 6’5”, who’s been on a bike more than 5 years and isn’t specifically into such things as fully rigid singlespeeds with rim brakes…doesn’t give a shit.
This is something new-ish (with roots back to old-ish. Got it), but it’s the future like snow bikes, singlespeeds, fixies, and recumbents are the future. It works in some regions of the world, for some people, and in certain disciplines. More power to you folks, but stop trying to tout it as being superior. 29” bikes are superior like the Segway is superior. Sure, they’re OK to ride, but just because you need something new to sell, doesn’t mean it’s better. ________________________________________________________________________________________________
Headline alternative: Abortion climbs back into womb!
http://www.bikeradar.com/news/article/marin-scrap-new-alchemist-platform-23013
We could go into it, but I think that pretty much sums it up.
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The bike attached to this scale actually weighs nothing. There's no way to fake an image like this
“Bad bike reviews not authored by James Huang” for $1000 please, Alex
Its that time of year, the fucking 'tards are flinging crap left and right. From Velonews:
http://www.velonews.com/article/94319/flash-cannondale-s-166-pound-cross-country-bike
“When it comes to frame building, most engineers focus on three attributes: stiffness, strength, and weight. For the Flash Carbon, Cannondale vice president of research and development Chris Peck says that they have added a fourth attribute, and that is vertical compliance. The Flash Carbon is technically a hardtail, as there are no rear suspension pivots or suspension chamber, but through integrating S.A.V.E (synapse active vibration elimination) technology into the bike’s chainstays and seatpost, the rear triangle is said to feel pretty soft.”
There is so much wrong here. First, Robbie Stout (the author) is a fucking idiot. Listen dumbass, its not only "technically" a hardtail, it fucking is one. And what the fuck is a suspension chamber? Sounds like something out of your S&M catalog. And then "is said to feel pretty soft". Thats not only some good English there you dumb fuck, but what kind of fucking reporting is that? Who said? Cannondale? And it "feels soft" what the fuck does that mean? Put 20 psi in your tire, but maybe then you just have T.L.A.P (too low air pressure) Y.S.F.P (you stupid fucking prick)
Which brings me to the fucking acryonyms, Jesus. Synapse Active Vibration Elimination? For all the money that Dorel has, they come up with that? Christ. You suck.
Since it has a great acronym and its synapse active, I couldn't wait to hear more:
“The S.A.V.E. chainstays on the Flash Carbon are designed to flex vertically under heavy loads and impacts. In seatpost pull-down lab tests, in which the frame is supported by the headtube and rear dropouts and a 320kg load is applied to the top of the seat tube, Cannondale engineers measured 5mm of deflection”.
OK, 5mm. Thats not a lot, right? But probably enough for an acronym. But under 320kg load? Are you fucking serious? For you stupid Americans that equates to more than 700 pounds. Even with obesity rising in Cannondale's home country, I can't imagine that's really going to help. But its "synapse active", which, by the way, means absofuckinglutely nothing. Unreal stupidity around here.
More from Robbie:
“Carbon fibers are said to be strongest when straight.” Really Robbie? I can't wait to hear more about what is "said".
“The toptube and seatstay junction is continuous.” How is a junction continuous? You make no fucking sense Robbie. But of course you don't, because you also seem to think that internal cable routing is lighter: “ whenever possible, cables are run internally, without the additional weight of unnecessary cable housing.”
How's that work Robbie? Last I checked, a cable between stops had no housing in it. But internal routing requires internal tubes to hold the cable. You are a fucking stooge.
And the fucking genius Chris Peck, who wants his cake and to eat that pile of steaming shit too:
“When asked if drilling holes for the water bottle cages sacrificed the frame's integrity, versus rerouting the fibers around the holes, Peck said that drilling holes into straight fibers was better than creating bends.”
Really, so removing the material completely is better than bending around it? That's a crock of shit fucktard. And of course Robbie sums it up with testimonial by a paid employee of Cannondale who says "it is going to be a real treat". Robbie does note that "in the real world, nothing has fucking happened with this bike", or I'm sure thats what he meant to say. And also awesome is that the 29er version is going to be a big piece of shit, cuz 29er riders are cheap fucks.
Keep up the good work Robbie, and you too Chris Peck. Shit is hilarious. When James Huang needs to get inspired, he reads Family Circus
More on James Huang - and fucking Scott too. Here's the spiel on the new Scott CR1
A new role for CR1
The Scott CR1 ushered in the ultralight carbon road bike wars just a few years ago but with Addict now running the show it has been retasked for 2010 to cater to a more relaxed audience.
First and foremost is a softened ride quality - in contrast to the original's occasionally harsh personality - courtesy of 'Scott Dampening System' seat stays and chain stays.
According to Scott, the flattened sections in the stays allow much more wheel movement over road irregularities than before – up to 2mm depending on the weight of the rider and how hard the bump is hit.
Though softer-riding and more relaxed in position, the new CR1 is still a high-tech machine complete with carbon housing stops.
Though not suspension in the strict sense, Scott still expects that SDS's added
Further along that theme, head tube lengths have grown slightly across the size range and top tube lengths have shortened for a more upright riding position.
The 2010 CR1 won't be all about comfort, though: carbon dropouts replace the current aluminum ones, there's a new one-piece IMP (Integrated Molding Process) top tube-head tube-down tube assembly, and even optional press-fit bottom bracket cups on the top-end model.
Even with the additional tech features, frame weight will actually increase relative to the existing CR1 by about 100g. Claimed weight for a large frame is still sub-1kg – but just barely – at 980g for the top-end version with an HMX carbon fibre blend. HMF versions will be slightly heavier.
Number 1: Dampening is the act of "damping". Damping is energy absorption. Shaping a seatstay so it flexes IS NOT damping, its an undamped spring.
Number 2: 2 fucking millimeters "depending on the weight of the rider and how hard the bump is hit". Thats quite a claim. Up to 2mm of travel if a 500 pounder hucks a ten-footer to flat (not advised by
Number 3: So it did all that shit, and got 100 grams heavier? "even with the additional tech features". Great job Scott! So you made your road bike heavier and you came out with a lockout lever for mountain bikes. 2010 sure looks hot! Who the fuck cares that you added a new acronym but you still made it heavier? So does your IMP add weight? Can I buy one the old way instead? fucking tards
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I also want to pour out some hate for [cyclingnews.com tech editor] James Huang. That guys' bike reviews and retarded shit is just too fucking much. fuck that guy. Every time I read anything he writes I want to kill myself: Today’s bullshit story about Mary McConneloug's ti hardtail has this: "A carbon frame is likely also stiffer as well but the slight give of McConneloug's aggressively butted Seven may actually be a positive, leaving her fresher and less beat up towards the end of a race.". Fresher? Really? That stanky beaver ain't so stanky due to tube butting? 
Why Filipe? Why here? Because when he has a 'roid episode he hate-fucks BL. Pretty sure Lopes is just out of frame...dick in hand
Seething Hate of Glorious Scope
And who the fuck is the douchebag in the article, sounds like a fucking tard for a husband Michael Broderick. His great quotes "It's really a race course-specific bike," added teammate/mechanic/husband Michael Broderick. "You could ride the thing anywhere but really where it's happiest is [at] World Cups and cross-country racing."
Pick a fucking thing Mike, jesus fucking christ. XC racing isn't really mountain biking anyway, so maybe you figured that out 3 seconds after opening your ugly fucking mouth and backpedaled for your sponsor. Better to shut your fucking mouth, but no, you continue:
Seating duties are handled by a fi'zi:k Aliante saddle ("It's perfect for what we're doing - it allows you to actually sit on the bike," says Broderick). Perfect. I'm usually making grilled cheese sandwiches on my bike which is why I opt for a skillet saddle. Jesus fucking christ.
But back to Huang, who has this great paragraph, which is basically saying absolutely nothing but just effusive spew:
"Indeed, a comparably sized carbon fiber hardtail frame might be a bit lighter - claimed weight for the Sola Gold frame is about 1.45kg (3.2lb) - but McConneloug's complete bike is still highly competitive at just 8.74kg (19.27lb). More importantly, it fits her 1.66m (5' 6") build perfectly as Seven was free to operate outside the usual constraints of a fixed carbon fiber mold and adjusted the angles and tube dimensions specifically to suit her slight climber's build - the seat tube measures a stubby 373mm (c-c) and the head tube just 90mm from end to end but the top tube is still a relatively rangy 558mm."
First, its a heavy flexy hardtail. Secondly, she's 5'6" tall, not exactly a necessary "custom build". Then you look at the fucking bike and its got a big stack of headset spacers under the stem! Good job operating outside of the usual constraints seven cycles. You did awesome w/ that 90mm HT. Since when is a 22 inch top tube for a 5'6" XC racer "rangy"? What the fuck is rangy anyway? Might work well for the grilled cheeses. Fucking tards.
postonhbcutthecourse@gmail.com
