The Banshee, a female omen of death in Irish Folklore. I’ve just realized that “female” and “omen of death” are redundant. Why did it take so long?
The Banshee frame I’m referring to. Lookin’ better than most.
God forbid I ever reference Pinkbike, because it is written by 13-year old children. The people who try to write for that site would be better off just enjoying spraying each other with Super Soakers, eating Gushers, and getting their mouths washed out with soap when they swear. Preferably in the glorious glow of sunshine.
But one of the tweens found something good, and it wasn’t a regurgitated press release. I know…I shat myself too. It was big news. The website in question is a user-based group of contributors who need to have the word “regurgitate” explained to them, which we can: it’s what the penguins do in “Happy Feet” to feed their young. Penguins are the animals featured in another cartoon called “Surf’s Up.”
Still, this shitty pinkbike site has some influence on our business. And let’s be clear, the bike industry is a real business. It creates jobs. It makes real money. It produces a tangible product that helps people be more fit and create less pollution at the same time. And this (meaning pinkbike's) posting-of-retards with zero other qualifications has influence on that? Don’t agree? First comment on every pinkbike post is some variation of “so sick.” But mostly it’s just, “so sick.” Sent from homeroom. 7:30am. LOL
What did these idiots find? This http://www.com/news/banshee-legend-MKII-spy-shots-2010.html
It looks good. Solid bike. The pinkbike author didn’t sneak the pics on a trip to
Stoked for Banshee, though.
How’s that for a backhanded compliment, bitch?
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"Sometimes when I am riding my bicycle I feel like I am the only person on the road"
We already loved this site (turned onto it when he did this http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html), but then a reader sent in a bike-related post they have up.
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Monster II - Lame
A reader brought to our attention an article written by (national radio commentator and author) Jim Hightower about the Citizens Against Lawsuit Abuse. It brought up a great bit about Monster Energy Drink:
The lawsuit abuse groups are innately dishonest, not only because they deliberately hide their special-interest parentage from the public, but also because they’re not really against abusive lawsuits. It’s only legal actions against big corporations that get their knickers in a knot. On the other hand, when those same corporations turn their powerhouse legal departments against the hoi polloi (consumers, small businesses, environmental groups, etc.), we never hear a peep of complaint from a CALA about abuse. Curiously inconsistent, huh?
For example, where is their outrage about Hansen Beverage Inc., the nationwide, billion-dollar marketer of “Monster” energy drinks? This Goliath has unleashed its legal hounds to go chasing clear across the continent to take a big bite out of a tiny David in
When this label hit the sensitive radar of Hansen Beverage, the corporate lawyers fired off a nuclear e-mail to the Nadeaus, demanding that they cease and desist from using the Vermonster name — or be sued. Sued for what? For infringing on Hansen’s “Monster” trademark, barked the cross-country lawyers, adding that Rock Art’s use of “Vermonster” would “undoubtedly create a likelihood of (consumer) confusion” between the two brands.
Uh, we make a beer not an energy drink, replied the Nadeaus — and our beer comes in a 22-ounce brown bottle that looks nothing like a Hansen product.
Common sense, however, is not spoken by corporate lawyers, and the Hansen gang promptly shifted from frivolous to abusive, demanding the surrender of the label, plus compensation to cover Hansen’s high-priced legal fees.
Corporate executives and lawyers know that they can drag out cases like this for years. The timeline takes no skin off the nose of billion-dollar outfits with their own legal staffs, but a protracted fight can quickly bankrupt a small business. Thus, even though the corporate power is in the wrong, it can usually bully the innocent into submission.
Maybe not this time, though. ‘Corporate
You can read the entire, excellent article here: http://www.illinoistimes.com/Springfield/article-6521-a-corporate-monster-v-ldthe-vermonsterrd.html
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But…but Tony, you’re married!
Reader submission:
So about 4 years ago I worked for Tony. We drive the Ellsworth trailer into town after 10 months straight on the road selling/demo rides non-stop for Ellsworth MTB!! Great gig and promised a sweet inside job after I raced and sold Ellsworth to anybody in
Gets better! Last week I am riding my [new non-Ellsworth bike] - sweet! And who is flying down the trail not stopping for uphill traffic on a smoke Epiphany? So, I pull over and talk to Tony for 15 minutes on the side of trail, and yes, he was actually hitting on me trying to ask where I ride and how often [ed note-uncertain if this reader is a guy or girl]. Not recognizing the person that lived in his dragon-castle house for weeks on end is pretty lame. I decided to be a smart ass, so I say, “I didn’t catch your name.” “Oh! I’m sorry, I am Tony!” “Hi,” I say, and shake his hand with some gusto, “I’m XXXXX, and I just got this nice new [bike] this Wednesday. It sure does ride great, and I love it! Rides better than those Ellsworth’s do that is for sure!” I guess I blew it because we were miles out and nobody was looking…I should have just kicked him in the nuts if I could have found them and left him on the side of the trail. Oh well, at least I took the high road. He isn’t worth the assault charge. I wish I was as important as Tony Ellsworth thinks he is.
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Travel
Just back from our yearly trip down to
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If you think we’re going to talk shit on Steve Peat, you’re on the wrong fuckin website, Gaylord. But that’s hardly a stance, liking Peaty is tantamount to…well, liking riding bikes. [Ed note – I was going to say “ice cream or sunsets or sex without a condom” or something there, but riding bikes brought more joy.] I gotta say it was an emotional night. A fists-pumping-in-the-air-thanking-God-for-doing-something-right-on-this-shitbox kind of night. And Jesus freaks: no need to write in on that one. I know the world is a wonderful place…by virtue of the fact that we have nothing else to compare it to. (God to Lennon, “Hey you hippy fuck, queue up that Imagine ditty again. Listens…Fuck my life, I wish I would’ve thought of that shit.”)
There’s more here, though. The Americans did well for a change. Even Duncan-notoriously-poor-at-World-Cup-Events Riffle. Then again, the terrain did look a lot like Tunnel Trail in his hometown, and he owns that shit. You better not go there, it’s his. Just ask him.
And yeah, Lopes is still fast. He always has been, no one ever said otherwise on that front. Still, in the race interviews he constantly mentions that all these top guys were looking fast when they stayed with him at his house in Laguna earlier in the year. What are you, a fuckin Hollywood producer?
Then there’s Rennie looking strong in 7th. Holy shit. You steer with your rear wheel and bend frames and proved you’re still a major force to be reckoned with. Well done, now go look for a sponsor for next year.
More to be said: Mick is so strong, Minnaar is lightning-fast retarded good, so is Hill (the course just didn’t suit him), Leov in 8th made me 3.99 seconds away from having to gnaw off the nub. But this is Peaty’s day. Makes us giddy like schoolgirls. _________________________________________________________________________________________________
MGMT's awesomeness > Weezer's suck
When you're sarcastic assholes all the time (as we are), it is hard for some to take you serious. Even when you're really trying to be serious. But we actually like this. Preface: Weezer jumped the shark long ago, but this is close to our hearts because, being of German heritage, we we have no choice but to love outdoor festivals and Electronica. MGMT are amazing live and sing only about being young, doing drugs, getting rich, and slaying ass. And we've regretably had Poker Face in our head for the last 3 months. Enjoy.
This is the cutoff line for Hill's stoic face. Fun happens above this line, Sam. You are not invited. ________________________________________________________________________________________________
An Open Letter to Sam Hill Dear Sam, Congratulations on your win in Mont Ste. Anne this past weekend. You’ve been close and consistent all year, but the top of the podium sure has been elusive for you and your new sponsor, and it had to be a relief to get that win out of the way, huh? Everyone knew it was only a matter of time, as you’re an ace rider and the bike is good. It was a tough course and you dominated in that old Sam Hill fashion. Good on ya, govena’. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, because we are your fans after all. We recognize your talent, and we’re behind you all the way…so give us a decent God damn soundbite for fuck sake. Jesus Christ, I know more about what’s in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction than I know about you. After countless interviews, here’s the rundown of what we know about Sam Hill: Lie to me, Sam. Tell me that you’re not sure how fast you’ll be today because you met a stripper in Honestly, when I watch your run I feel like one of those fainting goats. You know, the ones where if you scare them they just fall asleep. You cross the line and start to talk and the next thing I know I’m peeling myself off the drool-stained floor a half hour later wondering what the fuck happened. With love and respect, Your fans _______________________________________________________________________________________ Yay!! This Just In Geeze, your not only missinformed, but unessecarily angry as well. What year was that? 1989. I was there. I distinctly remember getting ny ass kicked in the trials by a little Japaneese guy. HB's nickname arrose partially due to his riding style. "Hairball". That's how he rides. The "course cutting incedent" occured while he was on the ragged edge in a turn. He projected himself off-course in a miscalcultion. More correctly, his desire to win overrode his need to not crash. This is something you probably don't understand. It's the reason for a Do something worthwhile with your time. Seek counseling. OK, here lies a sack of dicks for you to eat 1. Before you go for us, please do your homework, you fuckin prick. To start, do you not have what you probably call “The Spellcheck?” It comes standard with Word. I’m not a Mac guy, but if you have a Mac, I’m sure they have something that can help you out. I think they call it, “The Spellcheck.” 2. The first official World Champs were indeed in 1990, as seen here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UCI_Mountain_Bike_&_Trials_World_Championships Please note: HB won. 2nd Note: the first 20” trials championship were not until ’92. They were in Bromont. It’s OK…you may have been confused with the 26” wheel version, the first of being in ’96. In 3. From you: “HB's nickname ‘arrose’ partially due to his riding style, ‘Hairball.’ That's how he rides.” Yes, I punctuated it so that readers [ed: not ‘reader’s’] can understand you. hair·ball / 'he(?)r?bôl/ (also hair ball) • n. a compact ball of hair that accumulates in the stomach of a cat or other animal that grooms itself by licking its fur. Sooooo, he rides like a noun that means “a compact ball of hair?” He must be really fast. 4. Lastly, other than riding, this is my counseling. It is cheaper. What’s your gig? You have a link to your website I can click on? im diyieing to reed it.
Ahem,
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The lack of posts over the last few
Some days there just isn’t a shitton of content to post. On top of that I’ve been in Afghanistan/Africa…just some charity work I do from time to time when I feel guilty about how ridiculously rich I’m getting from doing this website. I’m so glad I moved to the
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Enrgy Drinky (presumably part 1) - Rawr!
Fuck monster energy drink. Fuck red bull too, but especially fuck monster, and their fucking queer green monster claw marks. Thanks a whole ton for taking every single sport that has anything to do with wheels, and turning it into one giant parade of big green claw marks. Way to fucking over-saturate a market. Anyone at monster ever hear of selective marketing, or discretionary spending, or trying to build a brand in a way that doesn't want to make me slap the flat bill hat off every dumbass moneywhore who took the check for five grand to look like a complete fucking asshat?
Look at the podium of any world cup downhill race in 2009. Yay monster! Woohoo! You're everywhere! Gee Atherton and his red bull can is all alone and the giant monster family is high fiving each other and sucking down monster juice because it tastes so great and they're all real close friends!
Except they're not. Peaty and Bryceland ride for the Syndicate, Sam and Brendan ride for Specialized, and that is about as oil and water a mix as anyone can get (except for what the fuck ever slurry of toxic waste they put in those cans), but there they are all taking the paycheck and smiling for the camera together. And raising up their bottles on the podium so that everyone can see that MONSTER is what got them there. Even the team managers and hangers on are getting into the act. Gay.
Which i guess sends a big fuck you out to the athletes who suck that particular tit as well: Hey, dickwads, you're on the podium! You don't take a fucking energy drink up there, you chug booze! You spray champagne! Grow some balls and do it right, for chrissake. Before long you toolbags'll all be shouting into the cameras that you're going to
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We love trisports.com. Wait, no we don't (AKA Are they serious with this shit?)
Got a post from a reader/vendor who has maybe two or three products that trisports.com sells.
"How prepared do I need to be to present two [ITEMS]? I could do that falling down drunk, which is not a bad idea. What a bunch of fucking fucktards."
Of course, being an Elite Ironman finisher like...dozens of times, I know all about trisports.com. For those who don't, it is a big online/retail store based in Tucson. They pander to the most narcissistic, A-type pricks known to man. Yup, Tri-geeks. What this is all in reference to is the following bullshit agreement they sent out for vendors who want to come to their facility train their employees on how to sell product better. Ahem, the following: TriSports.com Product Training Guidelines for Vendors Thank you for taking the time to educate our staff on your products. Our staff training is a very important aspect of our operations and is critical to our success in selling your products. In order to best optimize your time and ours, we have prepared this brief outline for you to follow during your presentation. Please note that product trainings come at a significant cost to our company. We expect that you take your presentation seriously and come prepared and informed. Failure to provide an informative, productive session with our staff will result in the billing of the cost ($2000) that it takes us to host the training. While we have no problem investing our time and money in such trainings, we expect positive results and expect that this time investment is not wasted. Along these lines, it is imperative that you concentrate on products that our company supports. Please do not waste time discussing product that our employees are not actively selling. While you should be familiar with the products that we are buying from you, our website is usually a good resource for confirming active product information. We also ask that you take the time to evaluate the amount and level of information you are presenting during your presentation. These trainings are designed to provide a basis for selling your product and the audience will include members from a variety of different departments within our company. It is important that you present information that will be applicable to all employees in attendance. You will have a 1-hour window with additional time available for questions and answers. We ask that you arrive at 7:45am to prepare in our multipurpose room. Your time will begin at 8:15am and last until 9:15am when we will have to cut off the talk due to staffing requirements. We ask that you also reserve additional time for Questions and Answers once the talk is completed. Plan on remaining on site until at least 10:30am to field these questions and spend time with our staff. Lastly, if you have any Employee Purchase information this is a good time to make note of that to the staff while they are educated and exited about your product(s). We have had great success with employees field testing product immediately following these presentations and having forms/information available after your talk is ideal. Presentation Outline: 1. Introduction (~10 min) a. Your name and company b. Company history i. Year established ii. Owner(s) iii. What is your company in business for? What is your mission? 2. Product Overview and Technical specifications (~30+ min) 3. Where does this product fit into the market place? (~10 min) a. How does this product compare to your competition? b. How does this product specifically address the needs a multisport customer? 4. Provide 4-5 KEY selling tips/tools for our staff to SELL your product. (~10 min) 5. Informal Q & A (~15 min) If you have any questions regarding this outline, please do not hesitate to ask. IMPORTANT NOTE: Once a date is confirmed, failure to give at least 1 week notice in the event of a cancellation will also result in a bill of $2000.
IMPORTANT NOTE # 2: WE ARE GIANT PRICKS ____________________________________________________________________________________________
Post 6/8/09
Intital Post: One thing we love to hate on is...
People write in and say, "Hashmir [ed note: my given name], why must this be so negative? Why not have a spot where we can talk about what we actually like?" This is a good idea, but at the same time pay attention to the header.
Some things we love right now are this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSWrepLjTKc
And this comic:
As well as the Marissa Miller image below...
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Jimmy Mac, AKA The Smiling Asshole
Like Maverick, the character from Top Gun that I'm sure Jimmy and the rest of his "buddies" are surely into, lets just say his track record ain't the best in the Navy. What's he got for a resume? JT sunglasses? Tanked. Road Bike Action the first time? Tanked. Couple now defunct moto companies...and now MBA. Well, mamma said if you don't have something good to say, etc...so good job on survivor.
Update: a reader has added the following:
The best part about uber-douche Jimmy Mac is how he got the job as editor of MBA. You're probably thinking the reason is because of his expertise in the sport of mountain biking, and his industry wide respect. Wrong.
Around 2001, after successfully ruining "Motocross Journal" and "Road Bike Action" (the only two Hi-Torque titles that ever failed) he went to publisher Roland Hinz and threw then-editor Richard Cunningham under the bus saying he could do his RC's job better. Jimmy Mac swayed the money-grubbing Hinz to can "RC" because he explained the Cunningham wasn't kissing enough advertiser ass, and with brown nosing being his only skill, he would be able to glad-hand more advertisers and keep them happily spending money in MBA. Perhaps that's why since 2001 there are more shirtless men photos than ever before.
postonhhbcutthecourse@gmail.com
