Alphabetically First: Pezzo

You’ve been writing, and sadly, I have not. “Update your fucking site,” you say. Ahh, to have such fans. Be clear, though, it isn’t as though one day I was selling you delicious hamburgers and then you came in the next day and I had all of the delicious hamburgers but wouldn’t sell you one. No, it’s more like I was giving you free delicious hamburgers all along and then for a while I couldn’t. You can’t get pissed, they were free. I’m not exactly Microsoft, when was the last time you saw a TV commercial for HBcutthecoursein1990.com? I get paid by the Exactly Jack Shit Foundation, this is my labor of love.

 

But you are fans and I’m happy about that. The truth is that I’ve been traveling and while doing so my computer got a virus so bad I’m pretty sure it fucked Freddie Mercury when I wasn’t looking. Oh, and I/we had received legal advice to not post for a while. I can’t talk about that…so short story short, we’re back with a new tab and ready to whisper all the notes in your ear once again.

 

So then what is this new “MTBHOFF” tab all about, you ask? Aside from being an alphabetical ripping on the inductees of the Mountain Bike Hall of Fucking Fame, it’s about giving me some content in the dire times when there just isn’t any fresh content. The Whodunnit section got moved down below this one. Sick of that section.

 

The Mountain Bike Hall of Fucking Fame has all of the following inductees:

a)      people I really respect

b)      people I have no idea who the fuck they are

c)      people who just don’t deserve to be there

d)      Blick (included in c)

 

The reasons that b, c, and d happen are varied and we’ll get into that later, but let’s start with our first on the list: Hill Abell. Aw shit, I have no idea who that guy is and he seems like a fine fellow, so I’m just going to start in the middle (I wanted to anyway): Paola Pezzo.

 

She was inducted as a racer and has a ton of results to back that part of things up, but she is an experiment (one of the first, in fact) to see if women can sell bikes. It failed, and it still does to this day.

 

I don’t know what the thought process was but it seemed to be along the lines of, “get this Italian chick and hop her up on the sauce (allegedly, I don’t know…ask Kabush) and stand her next to Gary Fisher. We’ll sell her as a sex symbol.” Look at the sexy banner pic and the one below…if you dare. I have to take a break now because my dick just got a beating from the underside of my table. Ooh la la.

 

No, not really. Chick looks like her only focus is on her unending hunger for brains. She should really be looking for some Vidal Sassoon V05 Hot Oil. Stat.

 

Next installment: Jacquie Phelan, and then Steve Potts. But don’t expect any ripping on Potts. Dude’s rad.

 
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This used to be the "Girl" section, but that section sucked and there's been an upheaval

We got a Whodunit on our hands

If you look up who’s doing the site on the internet, there are some definite culprits. None of them are me. Wait. Maybe. The following email lead us to create a poll. Read the post, then laugh, and email us as to who you think it really is. This from a guy named Joe:

Dear hbcutthecourse,

A couple weeks ago I read with amusement your publishing of a story that I’ve told many times, that of Tim Commerford and his un-loctited Heckler bolts.  I figured it would eventually come back to me too, I’ve told it too many times and the bike world is too small for something like that to not get noticed.

And over the last couple days I’ve heard varied reports and apparently some tweeting that the author of your esteemed site is yours truly.  While at first I was flattered, it seems like some people are really angry about it.  And now I can’t decide if you’re brilliant and angry, or just a prick.  Either way, I get a laugh out of it.  But this isn’t exactly the best thing for me or my reputation, so can you take down that post or do something to clarify that its not me telling it?  In all fairness, it is my funny story, and you stole it from me and put it online, which makes it seem a lot more evil than trading bike industry stories while drunk.  There’s stuff you’ve written, that if people think is me, will get me in a lot of trouble with my boss.  He believes that its not me thus far, but I had no idea how many people read your bitter ravings, because now “joe graney is the author” is getting traction.  In the last two days I’ve heard it a couple dozen times, and in an ironic twist of fate, lopes is saying he’s going to sue me!  Seriously though, Lopes could kick my ass and he’s got a lot more money than me too even if he just wants to fuck with me.  I don’t need that in my life.  I’m not asking that you stop what you’re doing, but you’re getting me into trouble, and that’s not very cool of you if someone else takes the heat.  I’m assuming that was might have been your intention as well, but I’m also assuming that you’re probably not intending to actually hurt people and just having some fun with this thing.  But at this point, this could hurt me professionally, and I’ve worked really hard to get where I am.  Help me out, will you please?  Even as I write this I’m laughing though, you got me good.  Nice job.

Joe Graney

So what’s your theory? We’ve heard a lot, but here’s the current list of possible authors.

1. Joe Graney (as stated, lots of hate mail there)
2. Todd Seplavy
3. Ron Ige
4. Jasen Thorpe
5. Bill Christensen
6. Jeff Holt
7. Chris Cocalis
8. Steve Bohemke
9. Joe Lawwill
10. Matt Robertson
11. Ryan Cleek
12. Dave Weagle
13. Doug Dalton
14. Adrian Montgomery
15. Dr. Dew
16. Brian Lopes
17. Hans Rey
18. Some other Laguna RAD (though Hans seems cool. and since I'm a woman, I love homos)
19. Elayna Caldwell
20. John Laroquette
21. Sir Walter Raleigh
22. Shaka Khan
23. Michael Brown
24. Sir Geoff Kabush (he was knighted, right?)
25. Lance Armstrong (this is his big moneymaker)
26. Lots of others that I have no clue who they are. I have to look them up  

More candidates to come, but for now make your vote or even add new submissions at the email address postonHBcutthecourse@gmail.com ____________________________________________________________________________________


 
Hey there, Mio. What say we ditch these other four dudes and go somewhere quiet?

P.S.being a woman, this saddens me:
http://www.askmen.com/money/money-news_60/81_expert-us-women-drinking-more.html
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We love you Missy...now can we cross over your bridge without being eaten?
PS: Loved your performance in Leprechaun
www.freemissy.com

   
OK, It was a lot of weed...and you can read our take below, but a reader initially sent us something we basically agree with:

My thoughts: Missy, Miles, and Grave all got busted for "Narco capitalism". I say blame usa cycling for not taking better care of their athletes. Or corporate America. Or America-how-dare-you-expect-athletes-to-live-on-30k-a-year-and -then-not-let-them-smother-their-ambition-with-drugs. How else would anybody do that kind of work for so little.


And this is what we have to say.

We’ve all read about it: Missy got caught in a bad situation in NY. Reports range from possession of 200-400lbs of the stickiest, fuckin ickiest, of weed and up to $2million US cash on hand. The cash thing seems to not be true. The pounds…well, what the fuck does it matter? 200, 400, 4000…it is all excessive to say the least. This article might not be what you expect. It is a salute to her.

Ahhh, the new section of the site. The concept of it being, well…we have 10 tabs, one should probably be related to girls. You may have noticed that we throw in some pics of the ladies here and there. Nothing porny, mind you, just some bits to make the site look a tit prettier, since God knows we could use it. Girly submissions come in from time to time, and they will go here. We will also rip on the fairer sex when our rampant hatred of the world dictates we have to. Because we all come from them, we tend to hold them on a pedestal, but Jesus fuck ladies, you are not the innocent, clean, do-gooding wonders you think you are. Remember, that is the context here: good and bad in all of us.

I used to work in a restaurant and as part of my nightly duties I cleaned the bathrooms. Conventional thought would have one believe that men are pigs and therefore their bathrooms are dirtier. Guess what: not true. Most men have never heard of a “candy box,” but when you have to clean bathrooms for a living you soon find out. It’s usually a stainless steel box sitting in the chick stall that is filled with refuse. Not just ordinary refuse, mind you…bloodied, brown refuse including tampons and every manner of other things. I thought I once understood what went on down there with women. There is blood and urine and cum (apparently not when I’m around, however) from one end, and there is poo out the other. Looking in that candy box, I just got confused. Crimson bloodiness and whites of cotton. Beige plastic applicators and toilet paper with brown on them…what’s the brown, ladies? Don’t you flush brown? I do…but your brown doesn’t look like my brown. My brown has a lot of matter in it, but yours is liquidy. Because, my friends, their brown is not poo at all. It is something far worse.

That’s one more thing to clean, and OK, that sucks, but it doesn’t stop there. Similarly disgusting bits are all over their “powder rooms.” Lots of TP and fluids and hair and the place stinks of perfume, piss, blood, ass, lotions, cigarettes, and hairspray. You, ladies, behind that veneer…are as disgusting as we are. Fucking get over yourselves.

ed note: I worked in a gym, tons of fast food joints, at a campsite for a summer…the women’s-bathroom-is-worse-than-the-unholiest-of-holy stance is based on all of it.

Positive women things to come, we promise.