The Furries and the Fuzzies

 

I’ve been getting a lot of grief lately about not posting and the site being stagnant and that being a bit lame. To such a point I have this to say: buck up, fuckers. If you’re relying on this site to give your life some sort of credence, and you are not me…that’s retard sad.

 

So you asked for it, and I’m just pissed off enough that I’ll give it to you. But don’t think for a single fuckin’ second I’m going to give what you want. Out of spite and spit, blood and mud, you get this pile. And this pile has nothing to do with bikes, but it has a lot to do with my frustration (specifically with the world).

 

I swear only to Jesus Christ on fuckin’ high…I don’t even know who this “Rise Against” band is other than to briefly have seen this “edgy” video for some shit Nickelback-wannabe power cord song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8X3ACToii0

 

To want to be anything at all like Nickelback is tantamount to…fuck it, I don’t even know. My brain refuses to go there.

 

They are, however, using my beloved Furry and Fuzzy addiction in some kind of crap pop culture marketing scheme. Furries and Fuzzies were born out of a sick fascination with bestiality. http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=furries&defid=2723545

 

It was great…ten years ago. There was fur and it was hot and you sort of kissed and other stuff and things got sweaty and messy and you were a complete disgrace when you got back to the costume shop the next day and had to explain things. That was then. Today this is just emo or indie, straightedge, fat people trying to be cool, or plain fucked up. Suck it, “Rise Against.”

 

Bike related shit to come.

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Jesus juicy fart, check this piece of shit out:

 

http://www.bicycleretailer.com/news/newsDetail/3608.html

 

“Human Billboard program.” You guys at Titus are really reachin’ there. It’s one thing to be obligated to get a tattoo if you do something significant, like win the Singlespeed World Championships. I win Singlespeed Worlds and you can brand me on the stomach, tattoo my ass, and jizz on my face and I’ll wear it proudly. If I ever bought a Titus, the only thing I’d expect my very best friends to do is punch me in the head.

 

You Titus bitches are anonymous in this industry, and if not anonymous then notorious at best. Now your marketing guy wants to do something “viral.” With tattoos. Edgy. Check the biceps on that bastard for some tribal or barbed. Pamela Anderson has a barbed wire tattoo on her arm, too. Think you can take her, Jersey Boy?

 

And who are you Titus, besides non-industry fucks who came in with a carbon business and still have to hack your swingarms together with stock square bits that I buy at McMaster-Carr to fix my fence when the gate starts rubbing on my driveway? (rhetorical, obviously). Arizona shitheads, all of you. Wax poetic all you want about Phoenix and Tempe and how you can ride there all year, but be realistic. You simply must ride at night in the summer or it’s too hot, you have no sustainable water resources relative to your population growth, your bikes are appallingly shitty and overpriced, you have no company champion, and the guy you kicked out went on to found Pivot. Pivot. I’ll say it again, because in the grand scheme of things Pivot isn’t really killing it right now: Pivot. Pivot is doing better than you can hope to. Pivot is innovating more than you are. You have to be seeing a bright light at the end of a tunnel now, right?

 

So that I don’t have to pay for your unemployment with my tax dollars, I implore you to just stop. Apply for a job at the whatever non-bicycle-related company you want. Go back to the firm you used to work for, you know, before you got into this “extreme sports” venture. It’s better for your family. You can afford more pleated pants. They’re really comfortable, if not fashion forward. Some would say you could die in them. 
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QBP to sponsor up and coming ripper Dick Schley for 2010!

 

BRAIN reported this today:

http://www.bicycleretailer.com/news/newsDetail/3519.html

 

Can you believe that shit? If I were a handsome tall black man that article would be an easy alley-oop dunk on QBP, but since I’m a heavy-set young blonde gal it’s more like an underarm softball lob they just floated ‘cross my plate. Welcome to 2001 QBP. Good to know that ‘merica’s go-to component supplier to retailers is only about a decade behind the curve. Hate to break it to you, but that train’s already left the station, come back to get shortened by a few cars, made a few other stops, and you’re still late.

 

Which leads us to Dick Schley, who should be begging QBP and all other companies on the planet to sponsor him right now. Play the numbers, Dick. You never know who’s so wildly out of place in the freeride market that they think having you on their product is a good thing. Maybe even top-notch FR powerhouses like Rotwild and Continental. What’s that? You were already relegated to those, my bad bro [editor then pats Richie on shoulder, hangs head, and exits scene. Cut].

 

Check out that banner pic. Marzocchi hat? Check. Douchy Oakleys? You got em. Stupid watch? It's on the arm. Driving a Porsche Cayenne on a freeway in southern California where he spends time with his buddy Lopes in the off-season? Roger that.

 

Ham it up, Dick. No telling when your washed up mug’s luck’s going to run out, and right now you’re king of the world!
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Bonus pic: A behind the scenes look at the HBCTCI1990 offices. Too priceless not to post.  
             
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Giddy Up
These are the dog days of bicycle news, and try as I might I haven’t been mining nuggets that outright piss me off like usual. It’s the off season, and no one’s doing anything remotely inspiring. There aren’t even rumors of things remotely inspiring unless you’re into cross. I think cross is badass, but I’m not going to pretend to be really into it just because there’s nothing else to write about. This has led rise to our dilemma: do we post something contrived, or wait? We chose the latter, but have come to the realization that you don’t always need new stimulation. Sometimes, if you meditate, search your soul, do some yoga on a beach or some shit…you can be reconnected with an ancient abysmal hate that was always there. In this exercise I found inside of me not just a gem, but a diamond bearing vein of abhorrence for equestrians.

 

First, the disclaimer: equestrians are not all bad, but 98% sure as shit are. Real cowboys are tough as coffin nails. You ever try to break a horse? Me neither. My candy ass isn’t cut out for it, but we’re not talking about those guys. You don’t see those guys out on the trails too much, and if you do they have command of their horse so it doesn’t freak out at the mere site of a cyclist. No, we’re talking about the rich SOB’s that love their pretty horses and hate mountain bikers because they made up the argument that we are more damaging to the environment than they are. And we’re reckless and go too fast and scare their horses.

 

A preemptive message to the PETA crowd, we know you’re against hatred towards animals but completely fine with hatred toward humans. Us too! OMG. I’m not anti-horse (they are awesome creatures and I respect the animal), I’m anti-equestrian.

Dear equestrian, you’re the one who decided to mount an animal that weighs about a grand and venture off on a multi-use trail. Methinks you’d better be able to handle your shit if you’re gonna do that, and your circus-style handlebar moustache isn’t going to help you out on this one, laddie. Let’s do a thought experiment. An ostrich weighs only about a quarter the weight of a horse. Say I had enough money to build and keep one in a barn and every so often I threw a leg over it and headed up a popular trail. I have zero control, and that motherfucker is dumb as a plank. Should I just start expecting everyone else to get out of the way? After all, I’m the idiot who is on some berserk giant chicken. Who’s the one out of place, me with the hair-trigger ostrich that I couldn’t get to go left or right to save my life, or someone on a use-specific bike skimming along at 20 MPH perfectly within capabilities? You see what I’m getting at (Hint: you’re the one on the crazy animal).    

 

Then there’s the whole environmental/trail footprint thing, where you [equestrian] say we’re bad. As if a mountain bike leaves more of a footprint than a 1000lb horse with a 200lb man on its back. The horse is wearing steel shoes. Clippidy-clop, clippidy-clop asshole, your horse leaves a breadcrumb-trail of divots in the dirt far worse than anything we could’ve. Look at the ground, you could hold Woodstock there and it’d be in better condition.

 

Oh, and let’s not forget the shit. Giant piles of it all over the trail. How come when I walk my dog I have to have a plastic bag in hand to pick up his little tiny, warm, this-is-so-degrading-for-me-to-pick-up poo, and yet you ride your horse wherever the fuck you want while it squats out a shopping bag full of stool every 200m? You never pick it up. Ever. Just like you’re never the ones out there doing trail work, but you are the first ones to be at the city council meetings.

 

That’s what you have, and that is what we’re lacking. You are organized, and you have money (and land, presumably, what with the stables and all). You also have history. Common logic is, “man has had horses for generations, nay centuries! You can’t take away their right to ride wherever they want. And a noble man can’t be made to pick up dozens of pounds of shit every ride. That’s preposterous.” Meanwhile, bikes have been on trails only within the last 30 years or so, making us the bad guy. Well, OK for now, but I’ve seen a horse get an erection before; mucus-y wet thing hangin down so low it gets hay and seeds all in the extension. It’s a huge slinky, and I can’t help but think that maybe you equestrians, man and woman alike…well, maybe that’s just the reason you keep ’em around.
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Mmm Oakley: Fuckin’ Scrumptious. Let’s have an order of that.

 

From a reader:

“Someone I am sitting with here over a beer just suggested that in light of Obama's Nobel prize honor that HBCTC should nominate Steve Blick for next year's prize for helping save literally hundreds of athletes with ThermoNuclear Protection™”

 

An excellent suggestion, and at the same time one that raised a more important question. Three, actually.

1. Oakley. Where do I begin?
2. Steve Blick. Where do I begin?
3. The Mountain Bike Hall of Fame (MBHOF)? Jesus. This should be a new section of the site.

First, Oakley is the devil. Up and down, left to right: the devil. We all ride bikes, right? What the fuck do we have in common with dudes in the mall that shop at Sunglass Hut? I’ll answer this one for you: nothing.

 

And I’m sorry, but I live in the real world. The world that Vin Diesel lives in, where he smolders around wearing glasses so hideous they would only look fashionable on a Komodo Dragon…I’ve never been there. White glasses, round glasses, glasses with retention systems that come over your bald dome; Oakley-wearing some-bitches are attention whores. Wear something sensible, for fuck sake. The word “Smith” comes to mind.

 

Then there’s the whole spaceship thing. Your entire multi-million dollar company image is based around your shit looking like the vehicle in Event Horizon thrown in with a sprinkle of ejection seats. Really? And at Interbike you have a line of “machined carbon” glasses, one of which was worn by Lance Armstrong. To protect this pair of glasses you have it in a clear box with chains around it because Lance’s sweat was on it. Scratch that, “Mellow Johnny’s” sweat. We get the message: it’s so fucking valuable and completely what your company is all about. Bear in mind that if you go to the Oakley website right now a featured item on the homepage has a New York Yankees logo etched on the lens. That’s right: baseball. Oh, they are so “core.”

 

I guess that means we’re off to #’s 2 and 3. Steve Blick gives away free Oakley glasses and sucks up to athletes. That’s his job, and it is a fine job that seems like fun. But getting into the Mountain Bike Hall Of Fucking Fame for it (hereto referred to as the MBHOFF)? For doing your job? I didn’t know blowjobs were involved in this whole process, but apparently I was misinformed, cocksucker.

The Mountain Bike Hall of Fame has done some good, don’t get me wrong there. They have some real heros that I admire. It is also a bit of a boys club, and the induction process is straight up flawed. Heads up: you can’t induct someone (in a certain category) every single year just because you have to. If you do, you get people like Blick, with friends who will nominate him for giving them sunglasses. Might be time to take a look at that.

Oh, and a parting shot: Robert Reisinger should be in the MTBHOFF like my asshole should. Mountain Cycle = Single, high-pivot pieces of shit. Thanks for the contribution, buddy.

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Fad Alert (vol. II)

This in from a reader:

So this is 2009 Fox shit. It rivals Primal wear for fuck’s sakes.

                         
A little anecdote here, I ordered a bunch of Primal Wear shit from my favorite website http://www.bicyclinghub.com/primalwear.html and now Primal Wear is all I’ll suit up in on group rides. Singlespeeders and fixie guys and the 29” crew, they’re all scrambling. I’ve out-ironied them and they’re fucking reeling. Some of ‘em threw down their PBR’s in foot-crushing disgust (while ¾ full) just to go plot their next fashion attack. “What’s this gonna take? Is it time to bust out my vintage long sleeve wool jersey with the beer stained front on the hottest ride of the year, or should I just cut to the chase and show up in cotton boxer briefs, a diaper, and an eye patch?” We can’t answer that one for you, Monsieur Mushroom Trip. Maybe just go with the old “Big Willy” standby and call it good http://www.primalwear.com/zoomify.aspx?src=images/PRODUCT/large/BIG1J10M&altsrc=images/Product/large/BIG1J10M.jpg

Moving on, the reader is right. This stuff is stupid lookin’ and it is all the rage right now. This and the skinny jeans and the matching component colors and all of the ugliness. The Italians have always been like this, but when did the rest of the industry revert back to high school fashion and 90’s color choices and call it the only thing  that is new for this year? Seriously, it was the main development at Interbike, largely due to the fashionista kids.
Oh, and SRAM. SRAM did this:  

Which begat this:    

And then the horror of all horrors:
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[Sounds of alarms and horns to alert others] "It's Pivot, we must hurry. Into the basement, all of you. Don't make a sound. Hide from Pivot, children. Hide. Shhhh, it'll be ok." [mother holds child tight; rocking] And...cut! 
 

Man I’m chapped I wasn’t at the show, I could’ve gotten the scoop on not only these colors but also Zipp’s three-year-in-development low-end mtb hubs they are too embarrassed to even display properly. Then there’s the new Dos Equis kit’s 43 different front derailleurs… that don’t fit on most frames. Their carbon crank is heavier than engineering-powerhouse Raceface’s are, and Hammerschmidt shifters go in the opposite fucking direction? Didn’t Shimano already try that? Finally, SRAM apparently doesn’t like it when people wear the “Brian Lopes wants to sue me” Tees to their events because this site references their own HB. I think we’ve proven they have bigger things to focus on. 

Now then, off to the links.
                                                                 
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Montague is here to help....make everything worse

Montague is a folding bike company that was originally focused on making bikes for the military. Since the military basically wants the same out of a bike as your local IBD, i.e. a cheap piece of dog shit that never has to be serviced again (who cares about performance or weight?), they had some success. Then opportunity reared it’s ugly head, and some Euro on a tandem with horizontal front dropouts had a QR wheel come out. Montague decided to turn to the darkest side possible, creating the CLIX system (this fuckin thing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iuNri17x4bw). Now, thanks to giant companies with no balls that just want to avoid all litigation in our sue-happy culture (ahem, TREK is reported to be solidly behind this thing) they’ve legislated his shitty skewer lawyer tab system into being mandatory.  This from BRAIN:

New ASTM Sports Equipment Standard

W. CONSHOHOCKEN, PA (BRAIN)—The adoption of quick-release devices on bicycles has led to a heightened potential for injuries due to front wheel separations. A new ASTM International standard defines the performance of primary and secondary wheel retention systems in order to prevent unintended wheel separation.

The new standard, ASTM F2680, Specification for Manually Operated Front Wheel Retention Systems for Bicycles, was developed by Subcommittee F08.10 on Bicycles, part of ASTM International Committee F08 on Sports Equipment and Facilities.

David Montague, presidentof CLIX Systems Inc., and a member of the F08.10 task group that developed ASTM F2680, said that the new standard defines the performance of primary and secondary wheel retention systems, with the focus on preventing unintended wheel separation.

“We hope ASTM F2680 will help to cause forks and wheels used together by bicycle manufacturers to be more compatible and less prone to unwanted wheel separation,” said Montague, who notes that complete bicycle assemblers as well as hub and fork makers will find the standard beneficial.

“Bicycle riding is one of the most popular recreational activities in the world,” Montague said. “When a bicycle wheel separates during riding, the resulting injuries can be substantial. Therefore, any standard that helps to reduce unwanted wheel separations could have a major impact on many riders around the world.”

ASTM International standards can be purchased from Customer Service (phone: 610-832-9585; service@astm.org) or at www.astm.org. For technical information, contact David Montague, CLIX Systems Inc., Cambridge, Mass. (phone: 617-491-7200; dmontague@montagueusa.com). Committee F08 will meet Nov. 10-13 in Atlanta, GA.

ASTM International welcomes and encourages participation in the development of its standards. ASTM’s open consensus process, using advance Internet-based standards development tools, ensures worldwide access for all interested individuals. For more information on becoming an ASTM member, please contact Christine, Sierk, ASTM International (phone: 610-832-9728; csierk@astm.org).

Established in 1898, ASTM International is one of the largest international standards development and delivery systems in the world. ASTM International meets the World Trade Organization (WTO) principles for the development of international standards: coherence, consensus, development dimension, effectiveness, impartiality, openness, relevance and transparency. ASTM standards are accepted and used in research and development, product testing, quality systems and commercial transactions around the globe

Yeah, you’re doing this to make it safer for all of us, you cocksucker. It is a heavy, POS system that requires all fork companies to change their dropouts to comply. If this is your mark on the industry, I hope you are proud of yourself, because none of the rest of us are. Please make everything else safer for us, you genius/savior of a man. We’ll turn the reins over to you and with any luck you’ll think through all the problems our idiot minds can’t fathom.

Fuck…leave it up to you and by 2012 I won’t be able to get a cup of coffee over 70-degrees, starting my car will require the gas company to supervise ignition, and I’ll have to use safety scissors to cut out my ransom notes:
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Wind Testing. Are you Fucking Serious?
It’s Worlds week and everyone is in OZ right now getting ready for the biggest event of the DH season. Yeah, the course seems to be pretty tame and a lot of guys are running shorter travel bikes and lockouts and things of the like. With that backdrop, it might seem timely that TREK issues us the following:

http://dirtmag.co.uk/news/category/dirt-team/dirt-exclusive-trek-wind-tunnel-testing-in-san-diego/dirt-1235605.html
 

First off, what are the shirts all the TREK guys are wearing? I didn’t think gays were allowed in the US military (and TREK is all about the U…S…A!) but apparently I’m wrong because those are government issue, button down homo. Only slightly more importantly, however, is the wind tunnel testing part of the wind tunnel testing article. For DH? Really?

This is a sport where all the riders came together to agree that they wear visors because they look cooler and they want to have a more professional presentation. Fair enough, I think visor-less DH helmets look retarded too. Then there’s the whole new no skinsuit thing, for the same reason. Totally with you there, riders wearing pads under skinsuits ripping DH bikes is not natural. No one ever does that. Except when they want to get down the mountain the fastest and win.

The point is, these guys already traded ultimate speed for fashion. Thankfully so in some regards, and somewhat anti-what-racing-is-all-about in others, but it is done now. Decision made. Given that, what’s the logical thing for TREK to do? Why, head to the wind tunnel, of course!

Message to TREK: you’re ramming this to us like you did it to us with Lance, but you can’t use the same formula. DH is different. You have some fast guys and maybe a solid bike (not sure, I’m not even commenting on the bike right now), but if you had half a clue you’d take all of your wind tunnel testing money, and add it to all of your wind tunnel test marketing money. You would then put it in a bag and hand that bag to a top guy and say, “hey…uh…you’re really fast. Go win Worlds.” Fuck wind tunnel testing on DH bikes, the top guys win because they have the talent and ability and they can pick sneaky lines. If it is windy, they scrub the jumps a bit more than they already masterfully do. Their minds work faster. They trained. It’s not the wind.

Put it on record, despite the wind tunnel testing, if a TREK rider wins Worlds this weekend I will spend the next two years of my life getting limber enough to contort into a precarious position. And then I will gnaw my own (small) penis off. That’s a fuckin fact. We’re talking about the Men’s event, here. With Rachel Atherton out, Tracy Moseley doesn’t count. Not if I’m goin’ gnawin.

Oh, and stop with the Lance-yellow color scheme bullshit. Anyone still wearing that bracelet or a black and yellow jersey is an idiot. No one wants cancer, but it was a fad. Move on. You’ll look back on it like Hammer pants, overalls, and skinny jeans and ask yourself what you were thinking. Trust us.

Maverick: Playin with the boys
Hi,

The video on this page shits me:

http://www.maverickbike.com/main/do/Monolink_Technology

Maverick try to show that they have the shortest chain growth of the other suspension designs in the video (single pivot, 4 Bar and VPP). Well, of course they do, because their BB is ON the linkage and moves backwards when the suspension compresses. They fail to show a little flourescent red bar showing how much the BB moves. Why? 'Cause on the other bikes, it doesn't move at all! Nicely overlooked there, Maverick!

Have these guys heard of URT? That's got no chain growth at all! And everyone except the most grizzled of ancient-schoolers dropped URT about 15 years ago (mostly in favor of 4 Bar). Why? 'Cause it was mostly shit! Riders want to be isolated from the suspension, that's what its for. We [don't want our BB's kicking around down there.]
 

Wait a sec - of course Maverick have heard of URT - Maverick lent their design to the Klein, maker of the Mantra - the URT with the highest pivot of all time (on the top tube) and therefore the design whose BB moved more in relation to the main frame (or aircraft wing, as in the case of the Mantra) than any other FS design. I guess Klein diehards loved the Palomino after riding the Mantra - they went from inches of BB travel to millimetres of BB travel.

I'm not saying Mavericks are bad, but that video is not telling the consumer the full story. Where's that red line indicating BB travel, however small? It is NOT a fair comparison.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob4kkwBZJ7Q
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Why a picture of the band? Because Unsung rules (as does Meantime).
You may have noticed a lapse in posts for a couple weekends there due to some obligatory trips thrown at us, and for that we apologize. However, it was not all fail. In Austria, we got a chance to glimpse the new Troy Lee D3 full face helmet. Apparently the official debut is next week in Whistler, but there are tons of images of Peaty and Sam Hill wearing them in Mont Ste. Anne last weekend. It looks a little more beefy, and frankly thank God for that. Hopefully they are finally putting to bed the (allegedly) ever-dangerous, although sassy, D2. Sure, it had the power to make Peaty’s English melon look amazing, but I'd rather be stuck in the Death Star with the knowledge that Luke and R2's X-Wing just showed up than trust my chin to one of those things.  

Years ago I was thinking of getting a D2 when a close friend, as well as another guy I knew who was big into the BMX scene, individually offered to buy me any other full face I wanted if they had to. BMX dude said that at every national BMX race he went to in those days he saw at least two kids with carbon splinters in their jaws from the D2’s chinpiece snapping off. We’re all into looking as sickter as possible, so lets hope that “slight mods to the mold” on the new helmet aren’t there just to make the flaming eyeballs look like they are going even faster. 
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 for now let's just show off Olivia Munn for a bit
                                                                                                         

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                                                                                                              Yes, it is a tooth with a tattoo

Hard to believe: The ever-sexy Tony isn’t getting the love he needs
 Here's a Tony Ellsworth story for you.

On a weekend road trip to Moab in '92 or '93, Tony and his wife joined my friends and me for some XC thrill rides in Utah. During a lull in the car ride ranting, Tony the Mormon informed us his lovely wife Terez (SIC?) had never given him a blowjob. Since TE is a Mormon, we ascertained the man who stole the Horst Link has NEVER had a blowjob. His bikes suck… why not his old lady? Just wondering.

                                                   
                                                                                                              Tony never tells
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                                             Must suck to know that bike is more hilarious than anything you've ever done, eh Mrs. Doubtfire?

Another Tony Ellsworth fan (all alleged of course)

Many years ago an Australian guy's final college project was building a full suspension bike. He improved the design and started selling his bikes under the name of Ethos (he was welding them in his shed and would customize the frame however you wanted). One day he's contacted by Tony Ellsworth who says (all quotes are merely rough summaries of long conversations) "You're using my ICT design. Firstly, stop it, and, secondly, you owe me royalties!" The guy at Ethos reads Tony's patent and checks the date and responds "Hey Tony, my design was published before yours. What's that about royalties?" Tony says "Well then, aah, how about we forget all this talk about royalties and in return I won't give you a legal battle you can't afford." knowing Ethos was lucky to sell half-a-dozen bikes a year. Ethos folded a few years ago.

Keep up the excellent and hilarious work!


                                             

Contrary to what he thinks, Duncan Riffle does not actually own Tunnel Trail; has yet to possess the key to The City of Santa Barbara

 
Discuss here: postonhbcutthecourse@gmail.com
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